This book is a true account of how I personally came back from the abyss of depression as well as two attempts at committing suicide 2019. After many challenges in my life, which included a brutal divorce, estrangement from my children, my business falling apart, being alone for the first time, and trying to date again at 52, I went to a very dark place.

The emotional scars left over from a failure and as it was explained to me "a death of a relationship" ran very deep. Deeper than I could have ever imagine. Your identity is complete stripped from you. You feel like a failure. You feel like you were not good enough. You no longer have a family. You don't even feel like a man anymore. Then you add to that someone going through addiction challenges as well as making the divorce completely (for lack of a better word) a "shit show", it's no wonder I snapped and people do.

It took my therapist committing me to a lock down unit at Mclean Hospital on Christmas week 2019. I literally woke up there on Christmas Eve! I never understood being overwhelmed like this in my life. I am Coach Kevin Kearns, personal fitness coach for over 35 years. I was the strength and conditioning coach for 15 UFC fighters and was voted in the top five by UFC magazine. I have presented around the globe my concepts to thousands of people. I am a 42-year martial artist! I am a warrior! I survived my dad dying when I was 12. I survived being bullied for my entire childhood and wrote a book on it! How could I become overwhelmed?

Well it did! It sucked, and I would not wish this on anyone. You feel totally alone. You feel abandoned. You fell worthless. You feel empty. You hate yourself for it. Yes you really do. None of it makes sense. For three years I could not even drive in my own town that I live with my children for 19 years! But, and I do mean but, I found a way out. I found a way on how to reinvent myself. I found a way to say "shut up inner demons!" "Shut the f--k up!"

Yes I flipped the script. Was it easy? Hell no. But life was never meant to be easy. If someone told you that they lied to you. If you want to listen to a raw and real story about someone just like you. Someone who grinds it out every day for their work and career. Someone who was at the top of their game and it crumbled. Someone who can identify with feeling alone and worthless and clawed his way back! Then this book is for you. If you want some sugarcoated nonsense, then swipe left please.

If you want to learn what I did about how to come out of this; how to say "no" to my therapist when he said "You are in remission", I answered, "No, I'm cured!"; if you want to learn how to manage your guilt and regret over feeling the way you feel; if you want to learn the most powerful thing I have ever learned in my life of 55 years, then this book is for you.

I'm not a therapist. I'm a coach and a real man who survived and learn how to thrive with mental illness. Yes, I have a scar on my neck from trying to take my own life. It reminds every day that it was necessary to go through this deep, dark abyss to help others. When I came out about my mental illness, my phone and email blew up! To date I have helped 13 people not commit suicide and feel worthless. That's why I wrote this very personal book. For you.

You matter! You are important! And you are not alone! You must persevere. I did and so can you.

Sincerely,

Coach Kevin Kearns.